


she has indeed burnt and smouldered

by orsumfenix



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Conversations, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:49:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21992476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orsumfenix/pseuds/orsumfenix
Summary: A Lalonde companion to the Strider rooftop conversation.
Relationships: Rose Lalonde & Roxy Lalonde
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	she has indeed burnt and smouldered

**Author's Note:**

> this deals w some p heavy topics and references child neglect, child abuse, teenage and adult alcoholism + unhealthy coping mechanisms. both characters can view things in a twisted or skewed way, which does mean some uncomfortable thoughts are discussed.  
> homestuck never really felt complete w/o a discussion btwn the lalondes that got deep the way the strider one did, so i decided to write it myself! my fave part of it got deleted and i had to re-write not as good which sucks but whatever  
> takes place some time after they've started living on earth c

TG: hay  
TG: so was i like  
TG: a bad mom  
TT: What makes you ask that?  
TG: idk just wonderin  
TG: u mentioned smthng abt her drinking once and uhhh when i drank i wasnt exactly   
TG: the best friend  
TG: like to my friends  
TG: so if ur mum never stopped drinkin  
TG: then was she like  
TG: a rlly shitty mom  
TT: Well,   
TT: She drank.  
TG: yea i figured  
TG: w/o an impending meeting w my mom and my friends being sad and making me realise they needed a non-shitty friend idk i if i wouldve stopped  
TG: or stayed on the wagon at least  
TT: I understand.  
TG: do u tho  
TG: u dont look very happy  
TG: i mean maybe thats just ur face but im usually quite good at reading if ppl look sad  
TG: and u rose...u look sad  
TT: I'm not sad.  
TG: liar  
TT: It's just...   
TT: Sigh.  
TG: ye  
TG: u can tell me if im bumming u out its ok  
TT: It's just that I wish my mom was more like you.  
TG: uh ur mom IS me  
TG: or was  
TG: fuck  
TT: You're sober. She wasn't.  
TT: I don't know. It was complicated. My opinion on her has changed quite a few times.  
TT: As a child I resented her. I didn't understand her.  
TG: butttt....  
TT: But she never tried to understand me!  
TT: She disappeared for days on end and then bought me extravagant presents as a half-hearted apology. I used to think they were just out of spite. I see now that she was probably just trying to get me something I liked, but she had no idea what my interests were.  
TG: you like wizards right  
TT: Yes. She did know that.   
TT: I guess she knew what my interests were but not the way that I would like them.  
TG: i fuckin love wizards  
TG: theyre so awesome  
TG: not to detract from the seriousness of what ur talking abt  
TG: im just kinda babbling bc im super nervous  
TT: Every time I think you can't get more like Dave, you prove me wrong.  
TG: im gonna take that as a compliment  
TT: It was one.   
TT: I don't know. She always took part in these stupid passive-aggressive games we played. I took my role in them very seriously and I thought she did too.   
TT: In hindsight she probably thought they were just funny games and weren't actually hurtful.   
TT: But she was an adult. She should have understood what they were.   
TT: I was a child. That's my excuse, in the same way that it's the excuse for every fucking stupid thing I've done.   
TT: So what was her excuse? Being drunk? Being stupid?   
TT: You're young and you're smarter and more sober than she ever was.   
TT: Why wasn't I enough for her to try?  
TG: i am  
TG: SO sorry  
TG: for everything  
TT: It's not your fault. Really. I'M sorry.   
TT: I shouldn't have gone off like that.   
TT: I thought I was past this.  
TG: lol moving past things  
TG: what a concept!   
TG: but yeah i kinda suspected i mightve been a shitty mom to u  
TG: + im acc glad u told me  
TT: Why would you be glad about that?   
TT: I basically just called you awful.   
TT: Which she wasn't even. Just...absent.  
TG: u dont gotta make excuses rose  
TG: i sucked as a mom  
TG: not to be all hurr durr lets make this about my problems bc i am so not trying to do that + i am also not trying to do the whole guess i just am terrible and always will be and am awful bc also no to being like that when youre going through stuff and i know logically that its not even true  
TG: and i dont wanna manipulate you  
TG: bc i care about u  
TG: and ur feelings  
TG: and you should get to talk about them  
TT: Feelings? Never heard of her.  
TG: lolll you sound like dirk  
TT: Looks like we both take after our opposite dancesters, huh?  
TG: looks that way  
TG: i kinda like it  
TT: Me too.  
TG: anyway u dont have to tiptoe the fuck around my delicate feelings  
TG: i can take it  
TG: and kind of NEED to take it?   
TG: or hear it is probs a better way of phrasing that  
TG: fucking phrasing  
TT: What do you mean by 'need to hear it'?  
TG: like  
TG: my friends  
TG: from my session  
TG: and my whole life i guess...they didnt rlly take up any of their problems w me to my face  
TG: like sometimes theyd go "aha you drink too much" but theyd slip it in casually and imagine an intervention??? nah not their style  
TG: none of them ever messaged me like "listen here you have a problem" in complete seriousness  
TG: esp as it got worse and they stopped trying to even say it as a joke  
TG: which i dont blame them for!!! i made it extremely difficult to help me  
TG: i didnt want their help and i didnt think i needed it   
TG: i knew what alcoholism was but i thought i was too good for it yknow? like okay those other ppl had a drinking problem but i do not because unlike them i have a handle on it! i can stop whenever i want!   
TG: yeah i use to cope but i dont NEED it need it i am a cool girl w cool habits and it would be an issue if i saw someone else doing it bc it would be worrying but i know me and i know that its under control  
TG: course when i was absolutely WASTED thered be the occasional oh fuck i have a problem but then that ended up circling into who the fuck cares about a drinking problem when everyone else is dead  
TT: I know what you mean.   
TT: I started to develop a...similar problem on the meteor.   
TT: Sharply shot down by Vriska, but the whole Light thing means I know other versions of myself weren't so lucky.   
TT: I thought the same. That I was better than a problem that other people get. Alcoholism wasn't the sort of thing to happen to me. I just enjoyed it and it made things easier to deal with and get through and people seemed to like me more.   
TT: If I said something embarrassing drunk then I'd regret it sober, but that was easily fixed by getting drunk again.   
TT: And what else was there to do? I was bored.   
TT: And I knew what my limit was, and I was very certain that I hadn't reached it.   
TT: Looking back I did have a problem, but even then it takes distance to recognise.   
TT: As in, my immediate thought is that I did have a handle on it, it was nothing like the extreme cases I would see on the news. I never had withdrawal symptoms. Alcoholism didn't look like what I'd always pictured.   
TT: I still sometimes think that it was fine. But the distance I talked about...I imagine if Dave or Kanaya or Karkat had been doing what I was doing. I would never have accepted that as fine. I would've seen it for what it was and confronted it.   
TT: That's the way I acknowledge that my problem was a problem.  
TT: Not that that always works. I still find it difficult to see it as an issue I've had. I still want to drink.   
TT: I don't because Kanaya would be so upset. And Dave. And Jade, and John, and Terezi, and Karkat, and Vriska wouldn't be annoyed but she'd be so smug and I'd wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction.  
TG: id be upset too  
TT: I know.   
TT: God, I know.   
TT: I have...difficulties, let's say, saying sappy stuff about someone right to their face.   
TT: I'm working through it.   
TT: It's a much easier problem to acknowledge than the drinking one.  
TG: looks like we take after each other too  
TG: like i knew that anyway  
TG: but i guess its in a bad way too  
TG: yikes  
TT: Yikes about sums it up.  
TG: issues r so hard to talk abt man  
TG: u know uh  
TG: once i talked abt this  
TG: at length  
TG: to jane  
TG: and jake wanted to talk about it at the same time and i literally couldnt it was that heavy  
TG: and it was embarrasin!!! i know im a v embarrasin person but FUCK if the convo didnt make me realise just how much  
TG: im also embarrassing sober which isnt much consolation  
TG: was your mom embarrassing?  
TT: Yes.   
TT: But that isn't your fault.  
TG: it just figures thats all  
TG: that its an intrinsic part of who i am  
TG: roxy lalonde = EMBARRASSMENT no matter on what timeline or who she is surrounded by  
TG: cool can deal  
TT: I'm not free of embarrassment myself, you know.  
TG: ???? but ur so cool and suave and awesome what have you got to be embarrassed about  
TT: Should I start with Point One or Point Forty Five?  
TG: 45 lets hear it  
TT: I used to be jealous of Dave.  
TG: ecto-bro dave? cool kid dave?   
TG: uh…abused dave?   
TT: The very same.  
TG: y were u jealous  
TT: It wasn't always. And not insidiously.   
TT: I didn't realise for a long time that was his brother put him through was abuse. He'd talk about fighting with Bro and I was jealous that he actually got contact with his guardian. I didn't realise that when he said fight he meant FIGHT, as in his much older brother beat him up.   
TT: And he always seemed to know what he was doing in the game. Always had a purpose, a mission.   
TT: He didn't flip off the deep end. He hacked at his planet and made it bend to his will, instead of just lashing out against it.  
TT: He had another version of himself to guide him. His brother died and he kept going. I, on the other hand, completely lost myself in grief and I don't know if I ever quite got myself back.   
TT: And...  
TG: and?  
TT: I am very happy with Kanaya. I am very in love.   
TT: And I am very happy for Dave and Karkat.   
TT: But their relationship seemed to help so much with Dave's problems. Albeit, a lot of them were problems I never had, but they let him start to heal and move on and feel a whole lot better about himself.   
TT: Kanaya makes me feel wonderful, and her love for me helps me feel love for me, but it still feels like most of my problems are still my problems and I'm the same Rose but dating Kanaya now. I'm not changed. My lashing out at the start of this conversation proves that.   
TT: I haven't learned.  
TG: i may not be a world-class therapist unlike u  
TG: but i think ur ability to reflect on stuff like this shows that u have changed  
TG: 4 the better obvs  
TT: It's nice of you to say so.  
TG: im not just saying so  
TG: i acc think it 2  
TT: This got very heavy very fast.   
TT: Agree to never talk about it again?  
TG: nah  
TG: i wanna remember this  
TG: and talk abt it  
TG: bc i feel like some important things have been said  
TT: Wow. You and my mother really are different people.  
TG: lol  
TT: I was looking forward to meeting you from the moment I learned of your existent, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some...concerns.   
TT: Namely, that we'd be plagued by the same issues I had with her.  
TG: ?  
TT: I was so embarrassed to share her problem with alcohol. I didn't want you to find out.  
TG: well im happy 2 have met u  
TT: Likewise. It worked out well.  
TG: :) <3  
TG: i feel like ur kinda blaming urself for a lot of ur probs with ur mom  
TG: but none of that is on you  
TG: sounds like she was super neglectful  
TG: i know therapy is ur thing but i diagnose you with mommy issues  
TT: Unsurprising.  
TG: so i guess that answers the question of whether or not i was a bad mom  
TG: at least dirk turned out to be a shitty parent as well  
TG: oh god what am i saying id much rather him have been good at it and given dave a nice childhood  
TT: Have you spoken to Dirk lately?  
TG: yeah we had a bros night the other night  
TG: it was nice  
TG: dudes got a LOT of issues but hes working thru them  
TG: lmao we spoke abt you  
TT: Oh?  
TG: back when i was an actual drunk like one of those middle-aged men who stays in the pub all day except i was a teen girl sitting alone in an apocalypse...   
TG: i asked dirk strider beloved weirdo...   
TG: who i had a huge crush on at the time...   
TG: what it would be like...   
TG: if we had kids  
TT: What did he answer?  
TG: that youd be weird and we had no business raising kids  
TT: Weird? I'm offended.   
TT: Dave and I are freaks of nature. We can't be reduced to 'weird'.  
TG: lolll i relate  
TG: think all of us r freaks on some lvl  
TG: i used to think jane was normal but the other day she told me the weirdest fucking story abt her compost bin and it genuinely threw me into a state of shock  
TT: Dare I ask?  
TG: trust me  
TG: you dont want to know  
TT: Noted.   
TT: You're getting on fine, then?  
TG: yeah tg we never rlly fell out in the 1st place  
TG: our friendships may have gotten all messed up but theyre on track to get better  
TG: jake and dirk had like...a semi-normal convo the other day it was rlly nice  
TG: like they just spoke they were just being bros  
TG: i had to dramatically turn away so they wudnt notice me tearing tf up  
TT: Aww.  
TG: this just in: roxy is the goofiest goof to ever goof  
TT: Not necessarily a bad thing.  
TG: how r ur friendships going  
TT: We've been picking up where we left off. I've been spending a lot of time with Jade.   
TT: She doesn't like to show it, but all that time alone was very hard on her. She wants to see people a lot to make sure she really isn't still alone, but she seems to get tired easily.   
TT: We sit in comfortable silence a lot. It's nice. I missed my friend.   
TT: Now who's the goof?  
TG: still me but am glad ur doing well  
TG: how r things w the lovely + beaut miss maryam?  
TT: Better than ever.   
TT: I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her.   
TT: Not literally See, though I suppose I could if I tried. But I don't feel like trying.   
TT: I'm taking it as it goes, and it's going well.   
TG: good  
TG: i like her i think u should marry her  
TT: I'm not opposed to the idea.  
TG: hey  
TT: Yes, Roxy?  
TG: thanks  
TG: 4 being so cool  
TT: I think we were the true koolkidz all along.  
TG: u kno it  
TT: Please accept my thanks in return.   
TT: For being an amazing sister/daughter/mother.   
TT: /Friend.  
TG: dawww  
TG: come here so i can hug you  
TT: Gladly. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!


End file.
